The illegal tattooing and international monkey violations just prove that he's still the world's most unpredictable superpower
The world's most unpredictable superpower and Mally the monkey. Photograph: Justin Bieber/Instagram
Anxious times, pop pickers. The Jesus tattoo on Justin Bieber's calf
is raising his eyes ever more heavenward, as the list of offences for
which the teen idol is held responsible grows increasingly Gothic in its
invention. In New York, Bieber is accused of tattooing someone without a
licence. In Germany, he is wanted for a cocktail of monkey-based
violations, including travelling without the correct papers for a
capuchin member of his entourage, and subsequent abandonment of said
primate. And in Oslo, the city that was on the verge of declaring a
state of emergency after Justin's last visit, his forthcoming concert dates have forced schools to shift their exam timetables to avoid defeat in the scheduling clash.
Searching
for a musical exploration of this level of international
misunderstanding, it is impossible not to alight on the chorus of his
latest single All Around the World. "Cos all round the world," opines
Justin therein, "People want to be loved/ All round the world/ They're
no different from us."
As so often, I think you'll agree, Justin really puts you inside the action of being the planet's most unpredictable superpower.
Still,
it must be conceded that the first of those aforementioned problems is
pretty much someone else's. Despite the fact that footage emerged this
week of Justin tattooing someone
in a Manhattan tattoo parlour, it is the establishment itself that is
liable to a fine for harbouring an unlicensed practitioner.
Moving
on to the monkey business, though, that appears to be slightly more
irksome. If you're unfamiliar with the details, preferring to fritter
your reading time away on trivia such as the threat of nuclear war, here's the recap: Justin's baby capuchin monkey Mally was confiscated by German customs
officials last week, after he flew into the country without the correct
papers for it. Mally is currently residing at an animal shelter, his
fate dependent on whether Bieber's people submit the correct paperwork
and pay the fines to reclaim him.
If they opt against readmitting
him to the firmament, of course, Mally will not be the first animal to
find itself failing to "take" as a concept in Bieberworld. Do recall
Johnson, Justin's pet boa constrictor, whom he brought as his date to
the MTV music awards in 2011, only to dispose of him
via an auction house a few months later. "I found it really disgusting
that celebrities like Bieber would stoop to a level of using living
creatures as a fashion accessory and then so easily discard it," opined
the chap who purchased it. And yet, the fact that Johnson caused record
levels of interest in the Minnesota animal sanctuary in which he ended up suggests
an alternative theory. Just as Mother Bieber appears to have loved the
world so much that she gave it her only son at an age that less
all-powerful parents mights have deemed iffy, Bieber is repeating the
pattern by offloading animal "children" to spread his message. The
monkey is merely the latest animal member of his disciple entourage to
act as an agent for his gospel and bolster his reach.
And what a
reach it is becoming. Indeed, Bieber opened up elsewhere this week about
the burden and ironies of power. "Sometimes I just want to go to
Twitter and just go after people," he explained
to Teen Vogue. "But then I just think twice: If someone is dissing me,
I'm going to make this person way more famous by tweeting them."
Mmm.
It seems a shame, with Justin in such discursive mood, that Teen Vogue
declined to take the opportunity to question his studied silence on the
countless homicidal threats that flit between his fans each day. On
those, the singer always seems studiedly silent, leading this column to
estimate that soon, more death threats will be made in Justin's name
than in Jesus's or Allah's. It's almost like Bieber and his management
don't WANT to defuse the tension and mayhem, instead leaving it to
ratchet up to further their megalomaniacal ends.
Indeed, that tendency can be traced right back through Biebermania. In 2010, Justin's manager Scooter Braun was arrested for reckless endangerment
after a CD signing by Justin drew dangerously large crowds, and Braun
refused police requests to tweet fans to stay away, preferring instead
to "control the event". As part of Braun's plea deal, Justin had to
appear in a public service announcement.
All of which brings us
back to Oslo. It was the Norwegian capital that reportedly considered
calling a state of emergency after it lost control of Bieber fans crowding to see their idol
in concert last year. This week, in an apparent preemptive admission of
defeat, Oslo schools actually rescheduled their exam timetable to avoid
clashing with two Bieber tour dates later this month. The news was
highlighted on the front page of Justin's official website, the singer foregrounding it with the verdict: "Love this."
And
why wouldn't he? Historians will surely cite it as the moment the
authorities began working for Bieber instead of against him.
As
for what Bieber means to do with the extraordinary power he continues to
amass, Lost in Showbiz's suspicion is that the Norwegian exams thing is
just the start. Eventually, the entire Gregorian calendar will be
reordered around Justin's movements, with Justinmas celebrated on 1
March, and so-called "weekends" abolished in favour of blocked sections
in the summer months when Justin is minded to have downtime. Earth's
currencies will ultimately fall to Bieb-coins, a digital crypto-currency
controlled by Beliebers. By 2016, Bieb-coin miners will lead the
planet's revolutionised professional class, along with capuchin
fosterers and lawyers who specialise in finding loopholes in tattoo
legislation. The only exams on school curricula anywhere will be in
Biebernomics.
Of course, the old order will muster the odd fight
back. The US National Security Agency will initially resist his demand
for the "biscuit"
that opens the suitcase containing the codes for a nuclear attack.
Science will attempt to control the enemy by introducing a strain of
Glandular Bieber amongst his hormoned-up teen fans.
Ultimately, though, the time has come to face facts: all efforts to contain Bieber will be as doomed those made by his trousers
Personally, I've been toying with the idea of dyeing my hair red, so this wig idea might be a good way to try red for a few days without fully committing to such a drastic hair color change. 
The 39-year-old
is equally thrilled about stepping into Tom Cruise’s shoes in this
official remake of Hollywood action-comedy, Knight And Day (2010). “I’m
excited about this film. It is something that I have never ventured
into. We have a new, young and wise team,” he says.